Plastic Sporks and Spoons, Oh My!
by CSG4ME
Summary: So this is a babe story and its hilarious, or at least it sounded hilarious in my head. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Ok SO this is just an idea my friend and I had at lunch today. Chapters are gonna be short, as will the story itself, But since this is my 1st, I'm sorta hoping y'all will forgive me. BTW I apologize to cupcakes for a few lines in this story, but truly, the voices in my head made me do it!

Disclaimer: I own nuthin and noone except the plot. Everything else belongs to Janet Evanovich, even Ranger : (

"You cannot possibly be serious!" I shrieked at Connie. "There is just no way somebody is actually that stupid!" Perhaps I should explain. My name is Stephanie Plum, Bombshell bounty hunter. Basically, I have had one of the crappiest weeks ever. I caught my long time on-again off-again boyfriend screwing Terri Gilman on my dinning room table. Always the dining room table! Anyways, Joe now had a broken nose that I know nothing about (What! It was blind luck! REALLY!) and my mother was in hysterics that I would never get married. We have also been running really short on skips lately, well low end skips anyways, and my bank account was suffering. When Connie had called me earlier and told me that there was a file for me I had rushed over to pick it up. Of course, because this is me we are talking about here, the skip was apparently more than a little crazy. "The guy attempted to hold up a convenience store with a plastic spork and got charged with attempted robbery. Are you freaking kidding me?" I was almost doubled over with laughter.

"Yeah" Connie interjected. "Personally I think they should give this guy an award for most creative robbery of the year. But unlucky for him, and lucky for you, he got charged and skipped out."

"They should have called the mental hospital instead of the police" I giggled. I plopped down on the couch in order to control myself. I had had such a horrible week and I needed a bit of humor to lighten it up. Besides, now I had a mental image of a guy waltzing into a convenience store, holding up a spork and shouting, "Give me the money and no one gets hurt!" This picture sent me over the edge again, and I collapsed back onto the couch in hysterics. Connie was trying to suppress a grin.

I had finally gotten myself under control when I felt a familiar tingle at the back of my neck that could only mean one thing. Ranger

"Babe" he nodded to me, grabbed his files from Connie, and then sat next to me on the couch. Crap! Okay I had just realized I was free from Morelli, was in very close proximity to Ranger and every hormone in my body was waking up. I was so beyond doomed if he even looked at me. I needed to escape before I spontaneously combusted, and he hadn't even said two words to me. O.K. deep breath. Ranger turned his focus towards me and asked "Need any help today babe?" Hmmm, odd, I didn't have any stalkers, that I knew of anyways, and only one skip. Very odd indeed. However, I recognized my chance for escape without making an idiot of myself. "Nope, I think I can handle a guy who thinks a spork is a deadly weapon" I cheekily replied, and then I grabbed my bag, and rushed out the door.

AN: In all likelyhood i'll continue, but as always, R&R feedback is always helpful! Yes i know its short, but more is coming as soon as i get back from practice


	2. Chapter 2

So, I was a little sad that i didnt get that many reviews, tears, but i decided that i needed to continue this sucker. Probably i will update once or twice this weekendand then nothing untill thursday or friday next week. you have been warned

**chaeless**: as you have told me numerous times, possesion is nine tenths of the law, and if u dont gimme back the paper u r never going to posess a shirt laughs evily

It turns out that my FTA's house wasn't that far from the office, in fact, it was only a 10 minute drive. I decided that although my skip's weapon of choice was a spork, it never hurt to be prepared, so I grabbed my stun gun and shoved it in the waistband of my pants. Better. I knocked on his door. "Mr. Black?" I inquired when the door opened to reveal an average looking man, about 5 inches taller than me, and barely even muscely.

"Yes" he raised his eyebrow. How is it that everyone eslse, including my skips can do that, but I can't.

"Mr. Black, I'm Stephanie Plum, and I represent Vincent Plum Bail Bonds, your bail company. You missed your court date and I need to take you to reschedule." I had barely finished when Black whipped out a white plastic spork and waved it in my face.

He said menacingly, "I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you."

I was very close to busting out in laughter again, but I kept it in, reminding myself that this guy hardly seemed stable, even if his weapon was a spoon, he should still be treated as a threat, or at least as a mental patient. I quickly whipped out my stun gun and while he was waving the spok around, gave him a good zap with it. He went down like a sack of bricks. Then, just because I couldn't resist, I promptly said, "threaten me with a spok will you" and cracked up. I had to sit down next to the unconscious form of Mr. Black before I could calm daown and get my breath back. I cuffed Mr. Black and then I realized that I coulnd't get him to me car by myself. So I had 3 options, I could call Lula, who I hadn't seen since Wednesday, to come pick me up, but judging from the message on her machine, I really shouldn't bother her and her new man. Right, so option one was out. I could wait for him to wake up, but judging from past experience, that would take a while, and eventually rumors would get back to my mother that I had been sitting on a porch with an unconscious man. That left option number 3, Ranger.

Normally, I wouldn't hesitate to call ranger, but not only was this situation beyond lame, I was also free of morelli guilt, and would have no reason to remind myself not to jump ranger in broad daylight, regardless of who would see us. Damn, descisions decisions. Lucky duck that I am though, my cell rang just then with, yep you guessed it, the batman theme song. I couldn't help but smile. Apparently, Rangers ESP worked long distance.

"Yo" I answered with his usual line

"babe" he responded. There was silence on the line for a few moments and then I decided that it was technically my turn

"Soo, your calling me because…" OK, so I was being a smartass so sue me, or don't. Actually don't. Anyways, what happened next surprised me.

"You free tonight around 7?" queried ranger

"HMmm, let me check my calendar" I said jokingly. "Well, I have an appointment with two men and a spoon." Alright so I was an ice cream fiend. Then I realized what I had just said and started cracking up again.

"Babe?" I think Ranger was beginning to be worried about my mental health. Quite frankly so was i.

"Never mind, It's just funny because my FTA just tried to attack me with a spork. But yeah I'm free at seven. Whats up?"

"distraction tonight" great back to incomplete sentences.

"Alright, where, who," hehe I could do incomplete sentences too!

"Alex Lee, McClintoc's bar. I'll pick you up"

"O.K. um by the way, you wouldn't happen to have one of the merry men maybe strolling around with nothing to do would you?"

"Babe" I could almost hear amusement in his voice, or perhaps that was exasperation, but I wanted to go with the first one

"Cause, you see, the skip with the spork is kinda big and really unconscious and Lula isn't with me today, and I really don't want to wait for him to wake up" did I mention I talk fast?

"Someone will be there in 10." And then he hung up. I stifled the urge to growl. Honestly, one more word, goodbye, would that be so hard?

I sat on Mr. Black's porch with aforementioned skip passed out next to me. I spent the ten minutes I had wisely, I thought about Ranger. By the time the black SUV pulled up to Mr. Black's house, I had come to two conclusions. One was that I needed to get something other than ranger to think about, the second was that I needed a new dress.


	3. IMPORTANT READ THIS

Ok so while I have your attention, I might say that I have a HUGE paper due tomorrow so I wont be posting till the weekend , or possibly really late tomorrow night, or maybe even early tomorrow night. Who knows. Neways, the point is that I'm sorry for not updating sooner, but such is life. Thanks for your patience and if you hold out one more day u shall be rewarded. BTW I have no idea where this fic is going other than to say that eventually at some point ranger and Stephanie will get together. I don't know when and I don't know how, so keep reviewing and giving me ideas/ pushing me to write. Talk to yall soon


	4. Chapter 3

SO this is basically a sucky chapter, but hilarity and romance will ensue eventually, just have to get this out of the way first

_Sadly, I don't own nething or neone, although I wouldn't object to owning Ranger_

_I sat on Mr. Black's porch with aforementioned skip passed out next to me. I spent the ten minutes I had wisely, I thought about Ranger. By the time the black SUV pulled up to Mr. Black's house, I had come to two conclusions. One was that I needed to get something other than Ranger to think about, the second was that I needed a new dress._

Since I really couldn't do anything about the first conclusion, I decided that a trip to Macy's was in order. But first, I had to help whichever merry man stepped out of aforementioned black SUV haul my skip to the pokey. Turns out they sent Hal. Great, a guy I stunned with his own stun gun gets to help me haul another guy I stunned with my stun gun to the cop shop. Life is weird.

It was easy enough, and after 15 minutes and two words, I had a body slip to trade in for a check to trade in for a dress. I would have skipped into the office if it wouldn't have gotten me some disbelieving stares. The fact that a black porche was parked in front of the office had nothing to do with it. Nope nothing at all

I walked in and slapped my check onto Connie's desk. There was no batman in sight, so I figured he was in talking to Vinnie. Connie and Lula were to busy fanning themselves to say anything other than commenting on how hot Ranger was that day. Connie signed my check, and I sped out of the door before I had to deal with Ranger, or rather before my hormones had a chance to react to Ranger.

My next stop was Macy's. It was rare that I came here without Lula, but tonight was going to be slightly different, and I really didn't need her influence on my clothing choices. It was going to be hard enough getting through a distraction job scantily clothed without jumping ranger. God forbid he start something because of my outfit.

I was just finishing selecting my outfit for the evening when my cell rang with none other than the batman theme song. Twice in one day, man my luck was really changing. I f he said goodbye this time, I might think it was the sign of the apocalypse.

"Yo" I answered, just for the heck of it

"Babe" he replied "Distraction is off. Tank just caught the guy."

Well, now I can spend my money on ice cream. "Oh. O.k." wow I am the mistress of eloquence lately. I wanted to say something, anything, but then I heard the disconnect. What the crap was going on? Usually he says something to indicate that he is going to hang up. I think I need ice cream. Yep ice cream would solve my problems, or at least take my mind off of them. But I think I should eat dinner first. I checked my watch. Perfect. I could still make dinner at my parent's house.

Alright that was definitely not the smartest decision I have ever made. Definitely not a good idea to talk to your mother so soon after breaking your "last hope for a normal life's nose. And my grandmother wanted the whole scoop. She also wanted to know if I had hooked up with "that bounty hunter with the great package". Pshh yeah like if that had happened I'd be eating dinner here. Nope. If I had hooked up with Ranger…. Ok so not going to think about that. It was dangerous to my health. Because I wasn't going to hook up with Ranger until I was in a relationship with Ranger, and since Ranger didn't do relationships….

Eye twitch going full force I pulled into a 7-11 grabbed some Ben and Jerry and headed home. After eating a full carton of B&J I felt slightly ill. No matter. I had had a hard day. It was time to go to sleep.

AN: Ok this chapter sucks out loud. But the next one is going to be WAY better. I promise, hang in there


	5. A Quick Note

Hello everyone! I just wanted to thank you all for your reviews and inquiries into when I am planning on finishing these stories. The truth is… (drumroll please) You can expect a new chapter for Plastic Sporks and Spoons, Oh My! Next week!!!! I had completely forgotten about where I was going with this plot, and honestly wasn't too thrilled with the hole that I dug myself. However, inspiration has struck, and once I get clear of an essay that I have to write for Monday, you can expect an update. Huzzah!

Thank you all!!!!! CSG4ME


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